Find my way back.

There was a part of me, at the beginning of the semester that I wanted to get my shit together. I stopped all society programs except those who I thought that would actually increase my resume descriptions. I had such a vision that I would spend most of my time studying and enjoying all the free time with my friends.

But for a split second, I realised I'm already at Week 10 and I've been distracted in class, I've been lazy at labs and well I just suck right now. Especially when I get all dark and twisted.

This isn't the person I want to be. Or I even thought I would be.

I was distracted. By the stupid third year myth. By the undetermined future.

This shit scares me. Things go fast when you're older, everything flashes right before your eyes. I'm already going to be doing my internship soon. I thought I had more time. I have been freaking out for a while now, and its hard to talk to people about it since I've always had the image of someone who got it together. I didn't want to be a disappointment.

Then, today, I started watching youtube videos again. And I rewatched this old video, it was one about leaving it all to Allah SWT.

She said that you know Allah SWT has it all written down somewhere even before everything was created. All we need to do is believe. While waiting for it to unfold, you focus yourself on something more important. Ibadah.

My ibadah towards Allah SWT. As His follower, as a daughter, as a friend, as apart of a community and as a human being.

Astaghfirullah, I forgot all these duties while I was busy thinking about my future. I did all my responsibilities half-heartedly. And I regret that the most.

For a split second, I was easily tempted to focus more on my worldly matters.

It was happening before my eyes and I was blinded to see it all. InshaAllah I'll get back on track.

How I'm doing that is;

1) Removing all distractions.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I didn't delete my social media. Haha. I did that already and ended up frustrated because BTS kept updating while I was cut off. I just decided to turn off my notifications for the social medias. It was a perfect alternative. I still had connections to the world but not to the point I would be glued to it. I will only be tempted to open it on my free time and that's mainly before I sleep. Ok I know lies, I tend to tweet a lot. But hey, give me a chance. I just started here. Hehe

2) Putting my happiness first.

My friends keep telling me to put my happiness first. But my instincts keep telling me to do the right thing even if it ends with me hurt. There should be a balance between those two. There are just things that I can't endure anymore. So I just let go and decided to be happy.

3) Write more.

If you know anything about me, you know how I like to write. You know how I love to sit in front of my laptop and just blog. But I did less and less of that recently. Since I was into the whole 'enjoy the things in front of you' type thing. I guess I lost myself a bit when I stopped blogging. Also, I'm starting to keep notes about everything, anything really. Simply just doing a little bit more efficient thinking.

4) No distractions.

I know the first step is the same thing. Now I'm emphasising this because this one I mean something else. I know its part of human nature and what not but I'm trying to turn if off. I was the most happiest when I didn't have anyone lingering in my thoughts and I would like to be like that again. Recently, someone keeps popping up in my mind and realising that there's no future with him, I just want to stop completely. I haven't given up the concept, its nice to believe that there is someone out there, written for me. But the heartbreak part, the not knowing how he feels part, the rejection part. I hate feeling hurt like this and sounding like a typical girl liking a guy. It's been a while since I did and I guess it just doesn't fit me anymore. I'm not a girlfriend type of girl. Trust me, all the boys say so. Haha.

All in all, I need to get back to being me. And InshaAllah a little bit better than last time.

Pray for me.